The Past: 'I'm Not OK' Phase

It has been a few months since I have written to you all and with good reason.

In my last post about self-trust, there was plenty more that I could have shared with you but I was yet to process it all. Life has been very busy both personally and professionally. I’ve been working harder than ever before. I’ve had to learn over the past few months how to control my controllables. I’ve had to learn to let go of what I cannot control - which has been challenging to say the least.

I have been working hard on my content for Essence of Expression, where I share with you 5 stages of acknowledging who you are, being comfortable with who you are and then learning to share your true self with the world. The first stage of this is knowing yourself well, by expanding on and becoming more self-aware. Something I’m doing right now as well.

In order to share your gifts, your purpose and lead with light, joy and love, you have to understand who you are in both the lows and highs of life. I believe that we learn the most from our lowest moments. What defines us is how we choose to react and what we choose to take from life’s experiences.

LET’S TALK ABOUT acknowledging THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE that I truly wasN’T ok.

Expressing that I was ‘not ok’ out loud and the acceptance that was needed to confront that, first occurred for me at the age of 23.

I was emotionally drained and I had limited coping mechanisms, which resulted in a significant impact on my physical and mental health, presenting with pain and symptoms like chronic fatigue.

At the time I was working full time, going to the gym 5 to 6 times a week (sometimes multiple times a day just to try and make myself feel better). Consistent exercise may sound like a healthy coping mechanism and within moderation it can be, however this was not sustainable. Whilst chasing physical fitness and the adrenalin hit that came with it, I was neglecting to take care of myself emotionally. All of my feelings and thoughts were simply being internalised and I had no healthy outlet for them. I didn’t know how to let go, I didn’t know how to reach out to get the help I needed. More importantly, I wasn’t taught what to do with my feelings. This is something I’m now passionate about incorporating into my life and my business as a result. Schools are becoming much more mindful - teaching children the importance of feelings, gratitude, speaking up and taking care of themselves through mindfulness. I wish we had that when I was at school!

Nothing can change until you acknowledge; ‘I Am Not OK!’

In my NOT OK moment, I was at home, by myself, in the kitchen. I asked myself out loud “Are you ok?“ and without thinking, I answered out loud “NO“ in return. It took a while to set in. I often deny my feelings, when negative, quite often. I asked myself again a couple more times, with the same answer consistently coming back at me.

I then began to panic a little. I thought, ‘What next? Where do I go? Who would help me?’. In this moment, though it was scary, I knew I was done with internalising my feelings and pretending that everything was going to be ok.

This moment lead to exploring many health care options, self-care strategies and diving deep into my emotional state, to really open up the door to feeling every emotion I had and ultimately becoming vulnerable. It has taken many years of hard work to get to where I am today. Even in my most challenging tribulations, I don’t regret any negative experience or the work that I have had to do to be comfortable dealing with emotions - each has lead me to right here, exactly where I am supposed to be.

This is what I hope for you, that through sharing this, it gives you the strength to start, to be open to being vulnerable, finding your true essence and to leading a life of purpose and passion.

This isn’t an easy process. I’m still learning to be more vulnerable and to open up. I’m still learning to love every part of myself - the good and the bad. The growth I have experienced after deciding that I wasn’t ok though and acknowledging it out loud, has been exponential.

This is your message to remember to not be so hard on yourself, to reach out and do the work. Learn to love yourself. You never know where it may lead you next.