Safety & Dating

As we explore the vulnerabilities of dating, opening ourselves up to the online dating world, meeting new people and being comfortable in your own skin, there are also many other things that us as women, look out for. All over the world and in particular on social media, women are speaking out about objectification, safety and holding men accountable for misogynistic, antiquated behaviour.

When women walk home or go on a date, we often to communicate to our close friends or family to let them know the time and place - to ensure our safety. It’s a hard and sad truth that is all too familiar to women in my generation. Especially now with the ambiguity that comes from meeting through online dating apps. You’re never really sure of what you’re going to encounter on that first meeting.

I am personally very quiet about my dating life with my friends and family. I don’t often tell them if I am seeing anyone or if I have met someone. This is mostly because this involes me being vulnerable. If I am enjoying spending time with someone, I am pushing my vulnerability boundaries, which isn’t always easy. What validates the feelings and initaies a ore serious commitment with someone, is when I tell my family. This isn’t because I like to keep secrets from them, it’s actually because when I feel, I feel quite deeply and often have a fear of being rejected. So telling my family that I have in fact met someone and for it not work out means that I add an extra layer of vulnerablity to the situation, ultimately leaving me quite uncomfortable.

If I tell them and the relationship fails, I guess a part of me feels like I am not worthy, or that I am unsuccessful. That is purely how i feel and not at all a reflection on how my family feel or would treat me given that situation. Vulnerability! It definitely is a hard thing to envelop in your life and when you’re heart has been hurt a couple of times, sometimes it’s hard to remain open.

So that’s the catch 22 right, I go on dates, I meet new people, BUT I still need to stay safe, I still need to protect myself during these times.

I reflect back on 5 to 6 years ago, when I was dating. I was young, naive and didn’t really think twice about meeting someone, or telling anyone where we went. I was impulsive and looking back, I was very lucky to meet respectful men that made me feel safe. But this could of very easily gone sideways at any point in time.

However, for a lot of females, this is not always the case.

So how am I doing things differently this time? Well, I have currently chosen one single dating app to make use of. This is to ensure that when I am engaging in it, it is with intention for what I am looking for and not for a distraction or just because I am bored.

On this app, I only have my first name and no identification information. No links to my social media accounts, personal information or anything. All my photos are just of me, and all in general everyday environments or backgrounds that are non identifiable.

I now share details with friends and family when going on dates. This is something that I have had to work myself up to. There are 4 people in my life that I disclose my dating life too on a frequent occasion. This was hard, but I finally got there. The reason why, for safety! I tell them when I have a date, where and who they are. I give them timeframes and what we’re doing. I also have made a pact that I would communicate with them over the night at different points where appropriate, just so that they know I am safe. My girlfriend and I have been doing this for a while, often ensuring that each other are free just in case.

Secondly, know your boundaries, know what you are comfortable with and with not (everyone is different) and don’t budge on them! Respecting yourself, knowing your own self worth and sticking to it allows you to be in control. Don’t change them because someone is pressuring you or questioning why they are your boundaries. If they don’t respect them, then they don’t respect you and are not worth your time!

Here’s the thing… Yes everyone should be responsible for making sensible decisions to ensure safety, but we as women should feel comfortable that we will return home without fear, that our boundaries will be respected and not pushed and that we will be respected as humans.. Not objects purely of affection. It’s something as I stated before that is incredibly topical at the moment. Even writing a post on safety and dating feels strange having read all the heartbreaking stories from women I know about catcalling, inappropriate behaviour and the fear instilled in women whilst walking on their own to and from places. It’s something we as women shouldn’t have to deal with. I have hope that it will change as time progresses. That men will take note of the fear that women often feel. In the meantime ladies, respect your boundaries and don’t let anyone make you feel uncomfortable for doing so. If it makes you feel safer, have that friend or family member that you can check in with.

Keeping these boundaries in check, looking out for yourself and being open to your loved ones, even if it means being vulnerable with your feelings and the up and downs of dating, is something that we all should be open too, if it means that we are safe.

On the positive side of being vulnerable and sharing these experiences with my friends and family, it has also meant that I am not alone whilst I enter into the dating world. I have a cheer squad behind me, supporting me and looking out for my well-being because at the end of the day, they know me the best, know who and what is also good for me, so having them on this journey with me too has been a blessing as well.

Be vulnerable but safe. You deserve respect always in all ways!